Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!! C: I beg your pardon.? A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss! C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it? A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know. C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints". C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you. C: This is Bolton, is it? O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch. The owner is putting on a false moustache. C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!?!!? O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you. (pause) C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk? O: Nnnnot really. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots. (pause) O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee! C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised! O: No no! 'E's pining! C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! (pause) O: Well, I'd better replace it, then. C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home? O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage! C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
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